The Misadventures Of Molly Caffrey
by Shake Your Kitty
Summary: Sixth chapter. Shopping fun! Rr please!
1. Them Gorgeous Things

**Them Gorgeous Things**

Author's Note: Ugh. I can't think of anything to write on a serious topic! Seriously, it's like I'm brain dead when I try to think about it. Funny thing is, I've seen every North American episode and STILL nothing's coming up. It took me two years to come up with a Buffy parody, so.. I'll do a Threshold parody.

**dtfrancis15uk** came up with an interesting subject; does Molly ever wear the same thing twice? Well, here's the answer! (sorta). More or less a fan-based answer. I give him credit for this idea, since I couldn't have come up with it on my own. I still find it a funny idea though. Everything's wildly exaggerated; would you really believe Molly would act like this to old clothes? Come on..

"I've worn that, I've worn that.. Nuh-uh, not wearing that.. Hm, what will I wear today?"

That was the biggest question Molly Caffrey asked herself that morning. She had a tendency to over compensate for her uneventful love life by buying loads and loads of clothing (_none of them in the bargain bin, no no_); her whole closet was filled with unworn pants and nicely-pressed shirts. She usually just threw what she'd worn before in the trash, left it to rot in her wardrobe, or donated it to a charity. Her poor credit card; it was maxed out.

_That's what I get by going into goverment work_, she thought, shifting through her clothes._ I deal in worst case scenario's and my pay check bites; yeah, I so picked the right career to go into.. Genius, Molly, genius._

Risking your life AND not having enough money to buy pretty clothes? She got by, though; she never wore the same thing twice in a row.

"So, what will it be, what will it be? Nice green top with black, denim pants? No, that's out of character. Red top with the denim pants? That'll make me look tarty.. Hm. I can't go to work in what I'm wearing; Ramsey will have a field day teasing me about my nighty-whitey, so that's a no-go. Hm.. What WILL I wear today?" She boggled her mind some more before selecting a low-cut, black top, a nice, ringed belt and a pair of kaki pants. _Lovin' that look_, she thought.

She scampered off to take a quick shower, rubbed her curly, brownish-black hair dry and sat on her bed while thinking on what shoes she could wear to work.

"Well, I've worn the nighty-whitey, so.." Molly took out a boxcutter and shredded the garmet to bits, making sure that each slice was cut into individual pieces. With that, she threw the remainder of it into the trash and hunched down on all fours to overlook her shoes.

"Hm, what shall I wear? I've worn that, I've worn that.. Nuh-uh, not wearing that.. Hm, what shoes will I wear today?"

She selected a pretty pair of black loafers and put them against her clothing. Nope, those wouldn't work. She grabbed a pair of tan high heels and tested them against her kaki's. Nope, those wouldn't work either. Finally, she parted her rows of shoes and found what she'd been looking for.

"Oh yeah, these'll look great." She stepped into them and admired her pretty appearance in the mirror.

"Looks like I'll have to burn them afterwards.. But they're so pretty.." She smiled down at them. "Yeah, these babies are getting toasted."

Her new to do list; buy another pair of shoes.


	2. Dance, Dance

**Dance, Dance**

Author's Note: Another attempt, Molly being out of character, listening to J-Pop.. What's wrong with the woman?

Still racking my brain for a serious storyline. It's not coming up; figures. Well, I can continue this and contribute more to the Threshold section, but who knows how long I can keep this up without running dry.

Disclaimer: I don't own Threshold (but isn't that so obvious?), but I do enjoy it.

"Whoah, yeah! Uh-huh.. Dance to the left, dance to the right!"

Molly Caffrey twirled around in front of her mirror while her stereo blasted a song by a very popular J-Rock group; it was something she'd picked up on her last trip to Japan, and while she thought it was some of the most bizarre music she'd ever heard, it grew on here real quick.

"Got to shed some of those doughnut love-handles. Whoah, yeah! Uh-huh. Jump to the left, jump to the right!"

She twirled some more before stopping dead in her tracks; her lungs felt like they were on fire, her body was a little weak; this is what she got for slacking off on exercise. Cavennaugh had a tendency to tease her about her new-found weight, and while she liked his attention, it also embarrassed her beyond comprehension, which was so strange because she felt like she was in control of her own mind at times. Well, maybe not today.

"If I could speak Japanese, this would be easy listening. Hell, who cares. I like the sound of a hard guitar." She swung her head around and let her blackish-brown hair fly around her in a silky, dark aura. She smiled at herself in the mirror, turned another circle, and proceeded to look for another track on the cd.

"Lesse.. Hm.. Oh yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about." She rocked back to and fro to the thudding bass and the screeching guitars, followed by a pretty, male chorus (which she didn't understand a lick of. Maybe she should get Ramsey to translate it for her), twirled around like a ballerina and hopped up and down, up and down, giggling like a little girl. _Shouldn't have had so much sugar today._

Knock knock

Molly swung her head around in sudden panic. What the hell was that? She turned off the music to listen to the sound again. Nothing. One click, more thudding bass and screeching guitars, and Molly was spinning around again.

Knock knock

"What the _hell was_ that?" she asked herself. "Hello? Is anyone there? Hm." She shrugged and continued.

Molly thrashed her head around, singing at the top of her lungs to a language she didn't know (and her singing sounded mostly garbled and seriously offkey), swung around and screamed at the sight of a man in her door.

"Hello Molly."

"CAVENNAUGH!" she yelled, feeling her face blush fiercely. "Why are you in my room..? YOU COULD HAVE KNOCKED."

Cavennaugh laughed at the pretty woman before him. "I did."

Molly felt like dying where she stood; how embarrassing. To think she made a fool out of herself in front of the man she had a severe crush on!

Author's Outro: She's acting like a highschool girl; very OOC. Whatever she's on, I'd like to try some of it (sugar).


	3. Big Mistake, Molly

**Big Mistake, Molly**

Author's Note: Yeah, another one. I like doing these; they're fun to write.

Anyway, what happens when Molly & Cavennaugh go on a date on some down time? It can't be good..

Disclaimer: I don't own Threshold (pretty damn obvious, lol.) If I did, I'd hire some great screen writers and make sure it stayed on for a long, long time. :)

"So, what do you want to order, Sean?" Molly asked as she flipped through her many-leafed menu. "Everything here looks so.. edible."

Cavennaugh cocked an eyebrow at his date. "Edible?"

"I couldn't think of anything else to say." She folded her hands across the table and batted her eyes, giving him an encouraging smile. "I'll eat what you eat."

"Well," Cavennaugh replied, going slightly red-faced, "I wouldn't mind the sea-food platter. That sounds.. edible."

Molly gaped at him defensively. "Don't be a meanie." She pouted at him which rose a stifled giggled from the free-lance soldier. She smiled back, knowing full and well she'd gotten the reaction out of him she wanted.

"Sea-food platter. I haven't eaten seafood in a long while, after that whole-"

"On second thought, I don't think I want the seafood platter." Cavennaugh forced a smile through tight lips at the waiter who addressed their table.

"'Ello, monsieur! What would you and ze pretty lady like to ordere?"

Cavennaugh eyed the menu for awhile. "We'll have two cheeseburgers, please."

This time, it was Molly's turn to cock an eyebrow. It was a fancy restaurant, for cryin' out loud! You don't order cheeseburgers from fancy restaurants! That was the first rule on dating someone like Molly. She bounced her well-teased, curly brownish-black hair in mock superiority. Yes, Molly was sophisticated, Molly was-

"Just gettin' something quick so you can go back to dancing to your J-music." Cavennaugh teased.

Molly stopped bouncing her hair. She gaped widely; that was very rude of him to say something like that! Caffrey put her hands on her hips and stared at him incredulously. "Meanie!"

"What's up with you and the child-act? Is this what you normally do on first dates?'

Molly flitted her eyes as though keeping a huge, life-changing secret from him. "It's what we women do, Sean. But you shall never understand a woman, shall you? No, no. You will never."

Cavennaugh shrugged, making Molly gape again. She wanted him to blush a little! He was so cute when he blushed!

"Mm, fantastique!" Molly announced after her third glass of wine. "I think I'm slightly hammered. Ooh, woozy."

Cavennaugh snorted into his coca cola. He was so used to Molly acting cool headed, very mature; this whole evening she'd been acting like she had unloaded the contents of an entire six pack of beer.

"Do you want to go home now, Caffrey?" Cavennaugh asked in concern as she swerved slightly on her chair and caught herself before she fell face first onto the floor. "You're drunk."

"No, no I'm not. I.." She smiled at him foolishly. "I just wanted you to know.. That I love ya, man. I really love ya." Her speech was excessively slurred and a stupid grin was on her face. She tried to bat her eyes but they were so heavy-lidded, she looked like she was attempting to force something out of them. "I love ya.. Calfanauffa.. Ooh, dizzy."

Cavennaugh lifted her up from the seat and carried her all the way to his vehicle, rousing the attention of nearby passer byers. _Yeah, great way to direct unwanted attention to us, Molly_, he thought as she emitted a loud, silly groan at the sight of his car.

"Cavennaugh, are you taking me home wiff youu? You naughty boy.. You naughty.. Yes you are!" She slapped him playfully on the shoulder as he crawled in beside her. "Oh, is this where we kiss? Or where I take off my skirt?"

"Molly!" Cavennaugh groaned. "I'm gonna get you home now. You're seriously wasted!"

She giggled again. "Uh huh.. You're a naughty boy.. Yes you is.. Ugh.."

It was then she emptied the contents of her churning stomach into the passenger side of his precious vehicle.

End note: Molly drunk.. Yeah, she's gonna feel THAT in the morning. Poor Molly and her hangover. LOL. C'mon, it can happen. I know, I know; she's seriously out of character, but that's the fun of parodies; you don't have to stay 100 correct.. Or in this case.. 50 smiles worryingly Hee.. Don't kill me please! I'm fragile!


	4. Sunny Side of Life

**Sunny Side Of Life (and then some.. Wow, lame title)**

Author's Note: Yep, another Molly spoof. Who knows how many I'll write; Celeste may be the queen of Threshold drama, but I'm the queen of Threshold spoof! Uh.. Did I just call myself a queen? Eep! And of Threshold spoof? Who am I _kidding_? (myself, laughs)

Anyway, what have we learned from Molly? While cool and calculated, she isn't afraid to show her naughty side, as in **Big Mistake, Molly **where Miss Caffrey got hammered. What's happenin' with the Mollster? Let's find out! shifts eyes Uh, really... It's not my fault.. I'm not lyyiing reference to Silent Hill 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Threshold (ya think! Look at me; I can't even get the character right!) But hey, if I did, I'd employ wonderful writers and there'd be a series still! Shame on CBS! kicks them in the crotch a few times before high fiving Molly. We got 'em, girl. Lolz!

"Ooh.. My head."

Molly rose herself from her comfortable bed and clutched her forehead hard, feeling the room spin around her. What happened last night? She couldn't remember.. That meant baaad news.

"Molly, you dope.. What does Cavennaugh think of us now? Us? Am I being infected? Oh noez!" She suddenly went quiet. "Oh Christ.. What was THAT all about?"

There is a quiet snicker in the room from somewhere above.

"Hunnh?" Molly asked in confusion. "Who is there?"

VOICE: Uh, no one!

Molly rose her eyebrow and shrugged in confusion. "Oh, ok.."

"I'm telling you, Cavennaugh, there was a sound in my room this morning!" She found herself walking side by side Sean as the two chatted about the night before. He wasn't telling her anything; she was afraid of what she had done, but she could also detect a silent piss-offednishness about him. She must have done something baaad.

"You're just hungover, Molly. It happens to the best of us."

"So, why won't you tell me what I did last night? Huh? It couldn't have been that bad, Sean. I know myself; I'm a perfect lady when I'm drunk."

Sean gawked at her. "Uh, yeah.. Sure. Whatever you say."

Molly hopped up and down on her high heels, which was a bad mistake because one of the heels broke off in the process. "Tell me! I know it couldn't have been THAT bad."

"Does stripping naked, running around the house, and quoting Napolean Dynamite mean anything to you?" Cavennaugh asked her.

"HUH? That can't be true! I know myself! I haven't even seen that movie!"

Sean laughed at her. Yet she didn't deny the other stuff. Interesting.

"Molly, all you did was upchuck in my truck. I'm not even going to say that rhymed because it'd be a big waste of time.. Wait.."

Molly pointed at him. "You're rhyming! Do it again!'

"No, I don't think so.. Jeez..."

Molly pointed at him again. "Heh! What's up with you, Cavennaugh? Cat got your tat? Oh no.." She clamped her hand over her mouth. "Now I'm doing it too; it can't be true!"

There is a quiet snicker in the room from somewhere above.

Cavennaugh looked around. He was suspecting that they were not alone..

"Molly, do you have the feeling we're being watched?"

"What?" Her eyes got wide suddenly. "Hold me, I'm scared! Hold me, Cavennaugh!" She jumped into his arms and began to shiver. "Wow, you smell nice."

Cavennaugh looked down at the beautiful woman, rubbing his fingers through her silky, brownish-black hair. "This is bad."

"Yeah.. I forgot to put on deoderant this morning.."

"No, not that.. Though I did notice some rankness.. I can't control myself anymore. See? I'm rubbing my hands through your hair.."

Molly smiled. "You like me, Cavennaugh. You're just making things up. Aw, you're so cuuute. Wait, was I out of character again? Something's not right, Cavennaugh.. I've been acting very strange lately."

VOICE: Well, duh.

Molly shreeked. "It's following me! It must be an extra terrestrial! Shoot it, shoot it!

Sean rolled his eyes as he continued to stroke Molly's pretty hair.

Author's end note: Oh no, they're catching on! This is bad bites fingernails Do you think they suspect I'm the reason why Molly is acting like a sugar-high little kid and Cavennaugh can't stop petting her? Uh oh! Better hide!


	5. Coffee Break

**Coffee Break**

Author's Note: Hola, como te llamas? Sorry. Just testing my Spanish. Hee.

I'm having lots of fun writing these things. Where we left off:

_Story 1: Molly has a problem keeping up with clothes. Can you say obsessive compulsive disorder?_

_Story 2: Who knew Molly likes J-Music? Who also knew she liked Cavennaugh, too?_

_Story 3: Lesson 1: Never get Molly hammered. She already eats too much sugar these days._

_Story 4: I think they're catching on. Better slack off a little. Yeah, right! Like I really would!_

So, what do you get when you're on your coffee break at work after studying the alien lifeform and suddenly there's nothing else to do? I'm sorta scared now.. Hold me..! bites nails

They're a little in character this time! Why am I so surprised by that...:(

Molly Caffrey had had a hard day at work that afternoon. So much going on, and so little time to do it all; if she was showing no signs of infection, she'd think she was already an alien, walking around in her own body but not really there. She felt like she needed some caffeine, and now; just a few more minutes... Just a few..

"Alright, let's take ten." said J.T. Baylock. He nodded to Molly as if knowing precisely what she was thinking. _Finally_, she thought, rising from her place. _I seriously need some coffee.._

She entered a small room and poured herself a cup, smelling of the strong, black liquid before packing in three tablespoons of sugar (_Just for good luck_). It was then that she noticed she wasn't alone.

"Ramsey!" she cried, nearly knocking over the coffee machine. "Don't creep up on me like that.. Ramsey?"

He was just standing there, looking at her.

"Okk. I don't know what's going on, but I'm officially creeped out." She took a sip of her coffee before sighing deeply; that sure hit the spot!

"Could you.. uh.. help me, Caffrey? I can't feel my legs.." Ramsey suddenly replied. Molly looked at him up and down before deciding the poor guy was drunk. She picked him up as best as she could and carried him around; she felt like a mother all of a sudden.

"If I wasn't drunk, I'd so be bitching at you.." Ramsey said. "This is really degrading."

"Oh, come off it, Ramsey! It's not so bad. This way, you can see more of the building."

"...Are you teasing me about my height? 'Cause I know how to hurt a woman, even if she doesn't have manbags."

Molly really didn't want to know what he meant by that.

She put him down in the conference room where he looked off in space, appearing extremely worn down. Molly took notice of the puffyness of his eyes and the dark shadows under them. She didn't know going to strip bars could do that to a man..

"Molly," came a voice behind her, rousing her from her thoughts. It was Cavennaugh; she felt her knees grow weak momentarily though she didn't know why.

"Hey, Sean. What can I do you for.. I mean, do for you?" She wanted to kick herself hard in the ass.

"Um.. I was wanting to apologize about this morning. I know that was a bit weird.."

Molly thought back to what he was refering to. Wait, the conversation about her being a bad drunk or of her leaping into his arms and him petting her like a kitty?

"No, don't apologize. It was.. a weird time for us, I guess. I haven't been myself lately." However, she still felt like jumping into his arms and stroking his face; what was with these impulses?

"Well, uh, I guess this is just awkward then.." He nodded to her, turned away, but couldn't leave. He tried to will himself but no.. Nothing.

"Maybe you need some coffee." Molly offered. "It really does the mind good, you know."

Cavennaugh took an offered cup and drank it all in one gulp. "Ah, that hits the spot!"

Molly smiled. She liked looking at his face; he was cute. _Wait a sec, what the hell was that all about?_

"Well, break's almost over. I'd better.." Molly froze in her place. "Uh, Cavennaugh.. Um.." She turned red all of a sudden.

"Yeah, Molly?"

"Meepa peepa." Her hand shot across her mouth at the utter garbage she had uttered. "I mean.. Sciddley daddle doo." Her face turned even more crimson in color.

"Um, ok.. I guess I'd better be going then.." He looked at her sideways before speeding off like a cartoon character in a big, puffy cloud.

Caffrey looked at herself in the mirror. Yep, no more coffee breaks from now on.

Author's End Note: I. Am. In. The. Coffee! Don't drink it! I warn you. I made Molly say naughty things in the Alien language! She really likes Cavennaugh, doesn't she? giggles like a school girl

To those I might be offending: I'm really sorry. This is the only way I know how to write Threshold. It's so.. serious. It makes me want to do silly stuff when I write it :(


	6. A Day in the Life

**A Day In The Life**

Author's Note: It's been about a week since I wrote in the story, but here's a new one. I'm so bored.

This.. pretty much sucks, but what do you expect? Boredom does this to a person.

"Oh great, out of food.. I could just ask Baylock to get me some.. Nah, I'll go myself."

She went through her cabinents again for good measure before leaving the scene of the "crime"; this was the third time this week she'd eaten herself out of house and home! How could she go to Baylock without seriously pissing him off? Nope, she had to go alone.. Brave into the food territory.. She was suddenly scared.

Molly Caffrey walked down the empty streets before remembering she could just as well take her vehicle, since walking all that way would probably keel her over.

"Where are my keys? Oh Jesus.. Ugh, dammit, damn, Hell's Penis..!"

Just as she fumbled through her purse, a familiar automobile drove up beside her, almost striking her in the ass. It was Sean.. _He shows up at the weirdest times.._

"Hey, Molly. How's it hanging?"

"It doesn't hang, Cavennaugh, it just sits there." she replied. "Can you give me a lift to the supermarket? Not the same once, though. Those people don't like me anymore since.."

"Since when?" Sean inquired, looking mildly interested.

"It doesn't matter." She skipped to the passenger side. Click, click. Molly pulled on the door hand and growled as it remained stationary. "Come on you stupid UGHHHH." She was struggling now, grabbing at the little, silver hatch as hard as she could and pulling her weight with it. "IT'S NOT OPENING!"

Sean blushed. "Oops, sorry." Clickity. The door was magically unlocked.

"Thank you very much!" Molly said cheerfully as she crawled in beside the handsome man.

"What exactly are you looking for?" Cavennaugh asked quietly as the two wondered around the local supermarket for a little over an hour. Caffrey still hadn't put much in her buggy; a case of wine, some blank discs, a Britney Spears cd... "Um, Caffrey, did you look at all the stuff you put in your buggy?"

Caffrey eyed it and screamed dramatically. She picked up Mrs. Spears' image, flung it away from her as hard as she could, and ran running away. "It burns! EVIL!"

"Um, alright then.." Cavennaugh whispered. "Note to self; never offer Molly eight candy bars.. Ever."

He found Molly crouched down in the pizza isle, eyeing a red, boxed one which she obviously wanted. "If I wasn't so hungry..."

"Huh?" Sean asked as he helped her to her feet.

"S-sorry. I came down.. Now I feel like hell, you know? Low energy.. Ugh.." She swayed a little and caught Sean's arm. "Woo, thanks."

"I think we need to get you laid down. You don't look so well, Molly."

Caffrey looked up at him with a surprised glare. "You just want to get me in the sack, don't you? Pervert!" She stuck her tongue out at him with a haunty look before walking smack into the pizza isle. Dazed, she stumbled away from the area.

They were on the road again. Molly was hunched over, clutching her head and spouting obscenities as she ate from a box of cheese crackers. She looked over to where Sean sat; he was so adorable when he furrowed his brow in concentration.. Well, he had a lot of wrinkles too, and he looked well over 40 something, but you know.. He was still cute..

"Just drop me off here." Molly said as they went into the perimeter of her home. "I feel like walking off this buzz."

Cavennaugh protested until seeing Molly was too stubborn to change her mind, so he complied with her. He helped her out of the car, offered to carry her grocieries (which she hadn't bought much of as she ended up passing out after walking into the cash register and knocking it over, much to the dismay of the registeer who screamed obscenities until she was blue in the face, passed out herself, and Cavennaugh ended up having to ring up everything somewhere else himself. :( ) She had eggs (most of them crushed after she'd haphazardly flung them into Cavennaugh's back seat. There was a big puddle of yellow and white on some of the seats), bacon, deli meat, more cases of wine (Cavennaugh was starting to see a pattern here), at least seven boxes of cheese crackers, alot of fattening garbage such as sugar cookies drenched in icing, and a few cds which Molly once again absent mindedly picked up (though thankfully, none of them were Britney Spears'.)

So she ended up carrying all this back to her house, opened the door, and plopped down on her sofa.

"I'm such a buffoon sometimes.." she told herself. She shook her fist at the author and screamed several curse words. "You here me! Quit making me stupid, ya here? Golly Miss Molly!" (passes out)

Author's End note: Let's see; I had several granola bars stacked with chocolate chips, lots of fake sugar, and I browsed some naughty naughty and whoosh, had an epiphany. I had to write another chapter!

Someone, anyone, is there any salvation? UGH.

About the title: Yeah, I totally ripped off Xena, LOL. I also made up a word. Did you see it? Woot, spot the made up word:D


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